New Apache RTR 310 also sucks your dick

Delhi: TVS today launched the new Apache RTR 310, the naked version of the already well-liked RR 310 faired motorcycle. The RTR comes with 2-way quickshifter, adjustable suspension, climate controlled seats, and the bike also sucks your dick.

TVS announced the launch of this new bike at a glittering event with the following press release:

Technology is the future, and for too long motorcyclists have been able to go on rides away from tech, not being distracted and annoyed by it at all. We want to change that, we want to bring you the future, where even when you’re trying to ride as far away from civilization as possible, you will still have a 5 inch TFT to stare at, from where you can fiddle with riding modes, traction control, and cruise control on a bike with 35 horses.

As you are riding your bike viewing the tire pressures, controlling GoPros, and heating or cooling your ass as required, the bike will also be pleasuring you sexually. Our specially designed fuel tank integrates the FuckMaster Pro 5000 technology, which comes with 6 speed pulsating realistic mouth feel, a specially designed non-drip semen collection tray, and an orgasm scream surround sound system. We are of course an environmentally friendly company, so the semen is used to automatically lube the chain, eliminating the need for oiling.

Our reporter spoke to the company’s CEO, and got this response:

This bike has every possible option in its electronics package, AND it sucks your goddamn dick. Yes of course, ladies, there is a version that eats you out too. Go fuck yourself KTM, every year you’ve been launching bikes with more technology than us, now who’s the boss?

When asked if it could be distracting to have your dick sucked while riding a motorcycle, he said:

Whenever a new thing comes out, people don’t know what the hell to do with it, and they just get scared. Some people might say they don’t need their dick mechanically sucked while riding at 150 kph, but mark my words, you WILL get your dick sucked.

We spoke to a famous auto journalist at the launch event, and they had this to add:

Generally it is me who’s getting fucked by the brand, they usually have a stick up my ass to deliver this video or that photo or that article or some other shit, and that’s not going to change for sure, but at least now while I’m being rammed in my anus by these motorcycle companies, I will be simultaneously getting my cock gobbled by their motorcycle.

Rumor has it that KTM is in the process of launching a new Duke with the same technology package as the Apache RTR 310, plus a little finger that tickles your asshole.

Inspired by this Onion video.