Motorcycle reviews are useless, at least make them fun

The Reddit drama

A few days ago, this post from Reddit became rather popular in the Indian motorcycling community. The original post was removed by the moderators to keep things “civil”, which is ironic for Reddit, that’s like Instagram removing videos because they’re too cringe. The post basically said that Shubhabrata Marmar, the popular moto journalist well known as Shumi, makes some stupid judgements about bikes.

The general conclusion of the discussions I saw about this in Reddit and other WhatsApp biker groups was this.

It is true that Shumi is a privileged journalist who has spent a decade being pampered by bike companies, and that privilege shows in his opinions, which can be disconnected from the reality that most bikers experience. However, in the landscape of Indian motorcycling, he is a god compared to other journalists, none of whom have his skills with a motorcycle, his skills with words, or his experience with both.

I agree with that opinion, and I don’t see anything wrong with Shumi or his work. Anyone’s opinions about anything will be a direct result of their life experiences, that’s what an opinion is by definition. I personally found his articles for Overdrive in the elder days much more interesting than his later videos with Powerdrift, but I have nothing but respect for his consistency in delivering content.

The Motozoomer video

Today Motozoomer published a fantastic Instagram video which expertly points out that your motorcycle buying decisions should not depend on reviews or spec sheets, but on test rides and personal feel. I couldn’t agree more with him, and the way he has managed to make his point in a short video with no bullshit is criminally underrated. It is not easy to have this level of clarity of thought, and even harder to be able to convert those thoughts into words spoken into a camera.

Why moto reviews are useless

I have been thinking about these ideas for many months now, and finally I think it’s time to state what seems rather obvious to me.

Motorcycle reviews are entirely pointless.

I do realize I’m arguing against the existence of an entire industry centered around reviewing bikes, employing hundreds of people in print and online media, but here are the reasons behind my argument.

1. Motorcycles are an extremely personal choice:

Humans are weird, some have long legs, some have short arms, some are unusually tall, some are unexpectedly fat. Motorcycles don’t come in sizes, there is no Small Medium Large option when you buy a bike. What this means is that a particular motorcycle may not suit your body at all, which is a problem that doesn’t really exist for cars.

If a bike doesn’t fit you, you can make aftermarket changes for sure, but a review can’t supply this information to you. A reviewer will, by the very nature of his job, make very general remarks about the bike and how it fits him, that will have no relation to you or the way the bike will feel under your ass. A bike that doesn’t fit gets uncomfortable quick, and can even lead to serious problems like back pain.

2. A bike can’t be judged with numbers:

Just like humans, bikes are weird too. Reviewers seem to think vomiting the spec sheet of a motorcycle tells you something objective about the ride, but it simply doesn’t. The “feel” of a motorcycle is a real concept, as mythical as it may seem.

Motorcycles are not a logical choice, nobody in their right mind would choose to spend money on the most dangerous form of transport known to man. Riding a bike is an experience that can’t be quantified with numbers, it can only be judged by you alone.

The seating position, the gearing, the power delivery, the chassis geometry, the wheel size, these are just some of the variables beyond the horsepower and torque figures that determine if you’ll enjoy a bike or not. Motorcycles are very simple machines, but it’s the simplicity that makes the choice harder. A car can impress you with a good sound system or some ventilated seats, a bike can’t do anything more than make you smile.

3. Reviews have become nothing more than propaganda:

This is not a secret, but a lot of people don’t seem to realize just how many conflicts of interest there are in the auto journalism industry. This long Team-bhp thread contains a lot of interesting info, but the basic problem is this:

1. A bike review for a journalist has essentially been converted into an all-expenses-paid vacation by the manufacturers. They are flown beautiful destinations, housed in expensive hotels, stuffed with fancy food, and out of this barely hidden bribe festival is supposed to spawn some “unbiased” review of the bike.
2. Not only are the manufacturers pampering the people who are supposed to objectively judge their products, in many cases they are outright paying their salaries. The entire auto media industry is paid largely via advertisement revenues, and those ads come almost exclusively from auto companies. Are you really going to criticize a Hero product if Hero’s ads are 10% of your magazine’s revenue?

The grip that auto manufactures have on auto journalist’s balls is insane, and that obviously results in these reviews that sound like the manufacturer wrote the script themselves. A video from one of these reviewers consists of the following:

a. Random number salad about the engine
b. A few action shots of idiotic wheelies
c. 99 positives with 1 absurd negative to make the review “balanced”
d. A lot of furious hand waving

All the reviews sound the same, it’s almost like they’re being manufactured on the same assembly line as the motorcycle.

Please make the reviews fun

The greatest automotive show of all time is considered to be the old Top Gear, and the primary reason it was so because it was entertaining. You don’t watch Top Gear because you are looking for a review on a particular car, you watch it for the 3 old blokes, their banter, and their genuine love for the machines.

It is obviously not easy, but this is what these reviewers need to do. Forget about the specs, just enjoy the damn motorcycle and let us enjoy it with you. You have a job most people dream of getting, the least you can do is not be a miserable bastard who can’t stop shouting about horsepower and torque.

You will still get the bribes from the manufacturers, but at least you can look back at you life’s work with pride, at having delivered something unique and entertaining, because like it nor not, a motorcycle review is either fun or it’s nothing.