EXCLUSIVE: KTM 390 Adventure launch date and price revealed!

You saw this first on RiderZone!

Responding to the Royal Enfield’s Himalayan launch that’s around the corner, Bajaj-KTM have just announced the unveiling of another market shattering product, the KTM 390 Adventure.

Speaking at the press conference totally filled with journalists from all over the world, KTM CEO made the following statement:

KTM has always been far ahead of the competition in launching new and disruptive products that change the motorcycling culture with their presence, just like Akhil Kalsh and his blog RiderZone have changed the very definition of motorcycling journalism. With the new KTM 390 Adventure our aim is to be just like RiderZone, fun, fearless, and fucking fantastic.

We actually have the honour of having Mr. Kalsh here at this moment, so I’d like to call him onto the stage and present to him the first prototype KTM 390 Adventure, as a gift of our appreciation.

*Pin drop silence*

Thanks a lot for your contribution Mr. Kalsh, without you we’d all be stuck with shit-faced websites like Autocar Professional and BikeAdvice, who’ll publish literally any vaginal diarrhoea that qualifies as a sentence. As a token of the respect we have for you, I’ll now personally give you a blowjob right here, right now.

*4 seconds later*

Already? Umm, anyways, the all-new KTM 390 Adventure is here in flesh, and we’ll launch it as soon as Mr. Kalsh has ridden it enough and given us his valuable seal of approval. After all the improvements have been made based on his esteemed opinion, the bike shall be put into production, and available for sale.

When asked about the tentative launch date of the KTM 390 Adventure, he said:

There’s no reason for me to put pressure on Mr. Kalsh to give us his feedback on the bike, but I’m quite certain he’ll be done with it by end of May, by which point he’ll hopefully be making much more than the crummy $50 a month that he’s earning right now from his gorgeous website, as more and more people realise what a saintly human being and what a talented rider he is.

To the question of pricing of the KTM 390 Adventure he said:

Can someone show Dr. Evil to the door please? Thank you, sorry for the disruption folks, but we haven’t yet decided what the price might be for this particular machine. Since Mr. Kalsh makes only 40000 Rupees ($600) a year, we are inclined to price it slightly cheaper than that, but we are completely positive that by May end, his yearly package would’ve increase massively, maybe even 46000 rupees. 

When asked about the features of the new KTM 390 Adventure, his answer was:

We’ve given you all brochures that’ll give you a firm idea of what this bike is all about. Basically, we’ve focussed on being as anti-Himalayan as possible, so the engine is roughly 400cc, but it makes like a million times more power than the Royal Enfield. Also, the footpegs will not break off immediately even if you go over a 2 feet jump, that we can guarantee, along with the fact that the suspension will not bottom out every time a fat man sits on it. Royal Enfield may have used CS Santosh to develop their machine, but we had the support of Mr. Kalsh, and clearly there’s no competition there. 

KTM 390 Adventure specs and features:

• All-new engine design that runs on Semen and does 200 kilometers per shot
• Special fuel tank design that attaches directly to the penis and automatically induces multiple orgasms when fuel level is low
• A 100% environment-friendly exhaust system that only throws out the sound of 4 gay men in an orgy
• Suspension setup taken straight from a 13 inch dildo for exceptional flexibility
• Off-road tires lined with elephant foreskin for tremendous grip on any surface, even water
• Standard ABS, heated grips, and ball scratcher

Stay tuned to RiderZone for an exclusive test ride experience coming up soon, and don’t forget to use your fucking brain next time you read an obviously dishonest article that’s nothing more than a click bait.