Auto Expo 2016: The art of Bullshit

Bullshit comes in many forms.

There’s bullshit meant to deceive oneself into believing things aren’t as fucked up as they really are, like having 2391 friends on Facebook to hide what a train-wreck you are inside. There’s bullshit meant to deceive others into believing things are more fucked up than they really are, like saying evolution is just a theory to hide your boy-loving world of fantasy pedophilia.

And then there’s Hero Motocorp.

As far as the Indian motorcycling scene goes, nothing comes even remotely close to the level of bullshit Hero Motocorp has been feeding us over the decades. Whenever foreign tourists come to India and talk about that god awful smell that seems to permeate all our major cities, that’s actually the smell of Hero’s combined bullshit, rotting over the years under the rugs of their multi-billion dollar offices.

Bullshit

Other companies try. TVS has attempted so hard to shit inside our mouths for so long, but they don’t seem to have Hero’s charisma. Triumph very nearly beat Hero with their detuning fiasco, but they don’t seem to have that sheer dedication and assholiness that Hero displays. Honda is a distant but solid second in the bullshit department, primarily by using the experience from their partnership with Hero.

As you might have noticed by now, I’m no fan of auto exhibitions.

I don’t really see the point of these circus shows, where every manufacturer attempts to showcase their most colorful clowns in an attempt to get the most attention, for when they actually remove some of the makeup off that clown and then try to sell him off as a new clown when it’s basically the same old clown with a smidge of lipstick on the sides.

If you have an upcoming product and you want to know what the public thinks of it, publish a damn photo on Facebook. If you have an upcoming product and you want people to touch it and feel it and ride it, give it out like Mahindra did with the Mojo.

I guess automotive companies need to be reminded that internet was invented in 1983.

In any case, an extremely tiny fraction of all the bloody items at the expo actually made it to the Indian roads, so let’s talk about them a little. I’m not going to talk about any concepts, because fuck them. I’m also not going to talk about anything that isn’t immediately available for purchase, because we’ll do that when it is.

1. Honda Navi:

Amazingly, and quite unfortunately, this desi Honda Grom is THE most exciting thing that came out of this Auto Expo, and that tells you a lot.

It’s basically what you get when a Honda Activa has a threesome with a Hero Cycle and a Grom, and I love it.

Looks like shit.

Not bad.

Too much.

Completely designed and made in India, the prices of this little contraption start at less than 40,000 bucks, which is cheaper than what it costs to fill air into a Daytona. You get a bunch of colors to choose from, and some weird kits as well that can morph it from a street bike to an off-roader or some shit like that.

All I care about is the 110cc engine and no gears, and that sounds like a lot of fun, because this thing is tiny, no higher than a midget. Not only would this make a great bike to teach our girlfriends some 2-wheeled naughtiness, it’ll also make a brilliant RTW bike. Stuck in mud? Why not just pick the motorcycle and walk away?

Genius.

2. Yamaha MT-09:

A rather popular motorcycle abroad, and one that Yamaha completely surprised us with, the MT-09 is an ugly-looking machine that promises to be more functional than aesthetic.

The 847cc engine makes 115 horses, which is more than what the Kawasaki Z800 makes, but where it really shines is the 188 Kg of wet weight, which is lighter than the Kawa by about a Victoria’s Secret model.

We aren’t getting this color.

No lines!

Where it absolutely sucks horse balls is the price, which at 10.2 lacs ex-Delhi is just plain fucking stupid. I mean common! Why bring it in via the CBU route, when you could’ve brought it as a CKD and priced it at some 7 lacs? Once more, another motorcycle manufacturer decides to not give a single fuck about us.

3. Triumph Bonneville Street Twin:

Of all the companies I’d expected something from at the auto expo, Triumph is surprisingly the one that did the best, but that’s mostly because I didn’t expect anything at all from them I guess.

Looks beautiful.

More so in black.

The Bonneville Street Twin is an updated Bonnie that FINALLY comes with standard ABS. What it also comes with is a new 900cc engine, more torque, ride-by-wire throttle, traction control and slipper clutch. To give you an idea of how pathetic the Indian motorcycling scene is right now, here’s an idea of how awesome the new Bonnie is:

1. Cheapest motorcycle with ABS (400cc+ engine) if you forget the Versys 650
2. Cheapest motorcycle with traction control (the next cheapest is the Ducati Hyperstrada I think)
3. Cheapest motorcycle with ride-by-wire throttle (thanks for nothing KTM)

Priced at 6.9 lacs ex-Delhi, the price is pretty sexy too, 70,000 more than the outgoing model.

4. Triumph Bonneville T120:

T120 is basically a Bonnie on Viagra. 1200cc engine, 105 Nm torque, heated grips, riding modes, traction control, ABS, slipper clutch and ride-by-wire throttle is what you get, at a price of 8.7 lacs ex-Delhi, which is mind-blowingly impressive. Viagra is cheap.

Nice!

Looks stunning here.

Triumph have tried a bit of a Harley here by providing optional extras to customize your ride into a Cafe Racer, Flat Tracker or a Scrambler, and that’s impressive too.

Damn, looks like there’s finally a company that respects Indian motorcyclists, and surprisingly it’s Triumph. Did they fire that moron of a CEO or something?

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And that’s it! The entire automotive media seemed to have a week-long explosive orgy about nothing. Sitting in the comfort of my crapper, I’ve just told you everything that you needed to know, without any of the bullshit of things that you are told about and excite you and make you jizz but never ever make it to production.

I’ve saved you millions of dollars of airline tickets and taxi fares and hotel rooms and massage centers and slow trains and disappointment.

You are welcome.