It is going to get Kimi-Raikkonen-cold very soon, especially in north India. People in the south are going to pretend like it is chilly too, but they don’t know what the folks up top have to go through. Fog, dew, snowfall, chilly winds and just plain bad biking weather. But fear not! Nothing can stop us riders from going out and joining the fun, so here are a few winter riding tips to keep you alive and kicking.

Winter riding tips: Suit up!

I hate riding in cold weather, just frickin’ hate it. The only good part though is I get to wear my complete riding gear and no one looks at me like I am some sort of river monster. 

• Get a proper riding jacket with thermal layer, they are cozier than sleeping naked with a couple of wolves, although we haven’t tried it. We have tired the DSG Triton however, and we love it.
• Get proper winter gloves. You can go for DSG Acqua or Cramster Tundra, but the best option is Alpinestars Apex Drystar. They are a bit costly though, so you might have to rob a bank or something, but it will be for a good cause and we support ya.
• Whatever gloves you get, wear them INSIDE the jacket and not over it.
• Since most people would be going to office, a riding pant isn’t the best option, unless your work requires stripping in the parking lot. Go for thermal pants to ensure you continue feeling your legs and the other leg for years to come.
• Heavy boots not only protect you in case of a fall, they also keep your little toesies snug.
• Warm socks are God’s gift, so just accept them.
• A balaclava isn’t a good option for winter, as it will accelerate the fogging in your helmet. Go for TUBE multifunction head wear by Cramster, it is cooler than it sounds, trust me.

That helmet might kill ya! 

Helmets are very nice things, they protect the little jelly thing inside your skull that most people don’t have. However, they are no good if you can’t see shit! Winter fogs up the visor really quick, so that’s something you need to take care of.

There are quite a few suggestions going around on how to keep the visor fog free. Some of these are:

• Rub finely cut potato on the visor and then lick both of them clean. The potatoes can then be made into tasty finger chips.
• Take a beaker of sulfuric acid, dip the visor in it and keep your face really close to the container. Then add a bucket of water.
• Piss on the visor repeatedly until it begs for forgiveness. Then negotiate with it.

We, however, find the best way to be rather easy. Just open the visor a little bit, just enough to let some air in, but not too much or your eyes will get frozen in their sockets, which would be pretty cool by the way.

Keep an eye on those brakes! 

Everyone wants disc brakes, front and back. They look good, work good and are low maintenance. However, as the weather gets colder, these beautiful looking things just plain stop working. When we were at Khardungla and it was snowing, we felt like the discs had suddenly eloped together to some honeymoon location and were having slutty sex on the beach.

• Winter up north is kinda of a wet one, which sucks. That will reduce your braking even further. Keep more distance between you and the truck in front, unless you are Evil Knievel’s distant relative or want to be.
• It is a good idea to keep the discs heated up, so keep pressing them repeatedly. If will eat up the brake pads pretty quick, so weigh it against your life and then decide. It might be a tough choice for many.
• People with drum brakes will be smiling all the way, while their disc counterparts slip and die around them.

The idea is to keep a big buffer on your “normal” breaking distance and keep the disc brakes heated up.

Make cold starts your bitch!

OK, so you are all suited up ready for your ride, and then the stupid bike won’t start. That’s the definition of KLPD, for those who were looking for one. Here’s how to make it easier on yourself and the bike:

• If your bike has a kick, you are lucky. They don’t make them like that anymore and we don’t know why. Kicks are your ultimate friends in cold weather.
• In morning when you get to your bike, kick it about 5 times to wake it from its slumber. DO NOT twist the throttle, ever.
• Now open that choke and push that self, the bike will come to life instantly! If it doesn’t, you or your bike suck, maybe both, most likely you.
• Let the bike heat up for about a minute, then take the choke off  and you are good to go. Remember to take the choke off!
• If you don’t have a kick, God save you.

Basically, you want to start your bike without flooding the carb, so don’t touch the throttle. Just get the choke do the job and stand back smiling, another one of our awesome winter riding tips for you.

Don’t burst your tires!

We like tires. Imagine if your bike had square wheels made of wood, that would be one hell of a bumpy ride! The upside would be watching busty babes ride over a series of speed breakers and catching the whole thing in slow-mo.

In cold weather, you will feel sometimes that the tire doesn’t have enough air pressure, so you will fill it up and then go out and BOOM! It will burst in your face. Don’t let happen.

• Lower temperature contracts the air inside your tire, so it looks like it is no good.
• When you take it out, the tire heats up and the air expands, so it all goes better!

In short, don’t get fooled by your tire, that would be like extremely stupid, getting fooled by a circular piece of rubber. The thumb rule would be to keep the tire pressure on the lower side when you get it filled up.

Don’t be a high beam moron!

Some geniuses think that any amount of fog can be annihilated by their super stupid high beam headlights. Dude, it does nothing but make things worse, even the light goes crazy in the fog and blinds you and everyone around. In fact high beams are never useful, unless you are riding in the Gir at midnight.

• It is NEVER a good idea to keep your bike headlight on in fog, unless you have extra fog light attachments or you are driving at night.
• Only keep your pilot lights on, they are enough for you to be seen by others without them being blinded by it.
• Switching your pilot lights on also automatically turns the tail lights on, two sluts with one cock!

Keep your eyes open and your headlight shut.

Other things you shalt do to escapeth the wrath of wintery chill

Here are some more winter riding tips for ya’all:

• Get your bike properly serviced before the onset of winter. Cold starts will be so much easier if that air filter isn’t being deep-throated by dust.
• It is a good idea to keep the idle revv of your bike a bit higher for winters, again makes cold starts plenty easier.
• Try to keep your bike indoors for the night. A wet seat on a chilly morning isn’t everyone’s dream come true.
• When you see two lights approaching from the front, don’t attempt to go between them, it might be a four wheeler, they exist!

Winter is a tough time to drive. Keep your head in the game, keep a lot of buffer and stay alive. Even after reading this million word advice, if you go out and get in an accident for your own fault, we hope you get paralyzed from your head down, so that you can read our advice again and cry and weep but not enjoy the other pleasures of life like choco lava cakes and back-alley hand jobs.

We hope your found these winter riding tips useful, we don’t care much anyway. Above is photo of Darth Vader in a kilt, on a unicycle, playing flame throwing bagpipes. Be awesome.

If you’ve got something to say, let’s hear it in the comments.

Image source: Google.com, the source of every image in like ever.