Disclaimer: After reading this article, if you still need to read this disclaimer to understand that this is a piece of satire, a figment of my imagination, an exercise in fiction, you should seriously consider cutting your head off with a screwdriver, or at least not having sex for the rest of your life because of fear of transmitting your stupidity germs to your unfortunate unborn child.
Mumbai: Noted socialite, Twitter personality, and well-known douchebag Mr. KRK today filed a case against Honda for being a bigger failure than himself. This development shocked the industry experts, who although well-versed with KRK’s attention-whoring tactics, didn’t expect him to stoop this low.
The controversy originated as Honda again failed to launch anything useful at their super duper mega event yesterday. While bikers were expecting the CBR300R or the CBR650F or basically ANYTHING that wasn’t just an old 2 wheeler made uglier with some shitty graphics, Honda went ahead and unveiled a whole bunch of tired fermented cat vomit that nobody cares about.
Speaking outside the court, Mr. KRK gave the following statement:
Being the most handsome, the most talented, and the most loved superstar in India, I believe it’s my moral responsibility to keep failing at life and disappointing everyone that dares to call himself Indian. But then these Japanese 2RsPpl come to our great nation and try their best to suck even worse than me. This is totally unacceptable!
It’s my job to do completely pointless things, it’s my job to make everybody ask “WHY THE FUCK?”, it’s my job to be the single most frustrating entity in this country. If Honda doesn’t launch anything sensible in the next 1 month, I’ll be left with no choice but to leave India forever.
His statement was followed by bouts of spontaneous celebrations all over the country, where people hugged strangers, blew massive crackers, and wept with joy from Kashmir to Kanyakumari, even though everyone knows that he’s a lying little lice molester who never keeps his word.
Honda hurriedly organised a press conference where the company’s official spokesperson had this to say:
Honda will like to clarify that we NEVER mentioned that any new bike was going to be launched at this event. It was a simple invitation to the unveiling of new updated models that some crappy news websites converted into baseless rumors. Our company had no intention to misguide our customers in any way whatsoever, although it’s true that we are now nothing more than a sticker manufacturer rather than automobiles.
However, Mr. KRK’s case against us has deeply hurt our emotions. We Japanese are proud people who give utmost importance to our heritage. Being compared to that ignorant, lowlife, moronic piece of toilet paper has brought dishonor to this organization, which is why I’ll now commit ceremonial suicide in front of everybody.
The spokesperson then jumped onto the dais and calmly sat cross-legged as everybody watched in horror. Honda’s vice president then presented him with the traditional tanto knife, which he immediately plunged into his stomach and sliced it from left to right. The vice president then performed the kaishaku, cutting the spokesperson’s head off with a Samurai sword to ease his pain.
With the entire blame now resting on BikeAdvice’s shoulders, their editor was forced to release this statement:
Apart from official reviews and truck loads of actual user reviews, news forms an intrinsic part of our ‘webzine’. Talking about the Honda Press Conference article – Please read the article again, nowhere have we portrayed it as a ‘SCOOP’. The heading itself clearly contains a question mark, and we have used that ? a total of 3 times in this article. Question marks are awesome, using them anywhere means you are totally NOT responsible for what you just said.
We would also like to inform that our news comes from three main contents – Press Releases, fellow websites and our own sources. We try to be choosy about both the last options and try not to pick stuff which has not been consistent in the past. There may have been issues when we have said something and that didn’t go true but the blame can not be put on us entirely.
For example, when you hear XYZ, MD of a company saying on video that ABC bike will be launched by this time, this definitely forms a news for us and it is imperative for us to report it to all our readers, otherwise they’ll totally die of lack of bullshit in their daily dietary nutrition. However, if the launch doesn’t happen in the promised time frame, that is NOT our fault.
In case anybody does not want to read news, they can directly fuck off to our official reviews and user reviews, we couldn’t give a smaller shit even if we tried really hard.
In other news, it’s more than likely that Fake Biker will be sued shortly when people start reading this piece of substandard satire and get really offended. There’s a distinct possibility that people completely unrelated to this story will be filing legal notice against the website, because that’s how the shit goes down in this country. It also doesn’t look like TVF will be uploading a support video for me when that happens, because #NoCountryForNotFamousFunnyMen.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, things, corporations, motorcycle manufacturers, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.