Go to your room. Take your clothes off. See yourself in the mirror. Ask yourself the following questions:

Is my cock hilariously tiny?

Do I feel like a vile good-for-nothing smelly bag of turd?

What the fuck should I do to become a REAL MAN? 

If the answer to any of these questions is YES, or NO, or whatever, fear not, I’m here! I’ll help you realize your potential, to completely change your shitty existence, to convert you from a pussy little man-whore into the motherfucking alpha male. You might ask “How is that even possible?” or “Who are you anyway?” or “Why am I naked in a public toilet?” Well, fuck you! Get your balls out of your ass and follow my 9 step program to become a real biker.

Why a biker you ask? Finally a good question you cunt! A biker is God’s gift to mankind, the only ray of hope in this otherwise desolate world, a rare mix of insanity and sexiness that can only be achieved by placing a burning hot mix of explosions, petrol, and moving parts between your legs. So if you are looking for automatic upgrade to cheeseburger-sized balls and a horse-sized sausage, look no further! Here is my crash course into becoming a biker as easily as possible.

How to become a REAL biker: If you are a dude

1. Get a motorcycle

Duh! How easy is that ha? Just get a fucking pair of wheels, that’s it! All you have to keep in mind though is that MEN only ride Royal Enfields, rest everyone is just a plastic-humping hermaphrodite eunuch gayboy. Royal Enfield is the fastest, safest, and most manly piece of metal you will ever find, apart from a cast-iron dildo of course.

Don’t have the money to buy a new bike you say? No problemo! There are plenty of other bikes around you, just jump right onto any one of them and start clicking! No need to ask for permission or anything, that stuff is for castrated pussies. If someone didn’t want you to sit on their brand new Ducati 1199 Panigale, they shouldn’t have parked it within 500 meters of you! Remember, it is perfectly OK to post photos of yourself sitting on other people’s machines, you more or less own them by default!

2. Give your bike a sexy name

Now that you have a ride, time to get cracking with a whorish name! Naming your bike is like circumcision, because they both are a right of passage, a pointless ritual, and something that makes your dick feel bigger. Feel free to blatantly copy ideas from anyone anywhere, there’s no copyright on sexiness!

Some suggestions include Linda, Margret, Miranda, Sluttybitch, Ballsack, ButtThumper, Vibra, Orgasmy, AnalQueen, Cunt500 and Kamini. Make sure the name instantly catches the eye, punches straight into the socket, and makes them uncontrollably bleed for hours. Let your imagination fly, put one hand on your crotch and the other on your machine, listen to what it’s saying. If all else fails, try jacking off on the headlight, that always works!

3. Change your FB name and occupation

Now that you bike has a new name, what’s stopping you? Flush that stupid name that your parents gave you down the nearest toilet, it’s time to become Batman from Bruce Fucking Wayne! Start by thinking “What’s the most confusing thing that I can do to my name that’ll make others question my sexuality?” and you’ll have your answer instantly.

Adding RE to the start, middle, end, or everywhere to your name is an acceptable solution. You may also change your surname to DrunkRacer or CockRider or CumInspector. Whatever you do, make sure your work status is also changed accordingly. Doesn’t matter if you are a CEO or a professional Gigolo, if you want to be a real biker, you better do what I say! “CrAzY RidEr” at “My Dad is an ATM” is an awesome place to start, light years ahead of Software Engineer at Google!

4. Upload shitload of photos with your ride

People might tell you becoming a biker is all about riding a motorcycle, doing long journeys, getting into adventures, living your life, but fuck them! Real bikers understand that it’s all about what others see on Facebook, social media is all that matters. So go ahead and post roughtly 200 photos a day with your bike from more or less the same angle.

As you’ve seen in point no 1, doesn’t really matter whose bike it is as long as your ass is touching it! It also helps immensely if the photo is insanely over-processed, with colors bright enough to cause permanent eye damage. Adding some beautiful lines to your captures like “Fuck the road!”, “I had kinky sex with my bike last night!” and “Ma aTTitudE, Ma sTyle” always helps.

5. Tag the entire universe in all your photos

Now that you are progressing up the levels of becoming a total attention whore, time to amp up the shit! It’s understandable that most people will try to avoid looking at your photos due to fear of turning instant gay, which means that it is your sworn duty to shove your asshole right into their noses!

Pick any random 100 people who have nothing even remotely do to with your photo, and totally tag them in there! You are honestly doing the entire universe a favor by spreading your gooey awesomeness around. Haters will hate, but don’t let anything short of a Facebook Block stop you. To add that icing to the cake, always remember to like your own photos!

6. Fuck with random people on the internet

As you may have seen with point no 5, becoming a real biker can be hard work sometimes! This next step also requires some effort on your part, but the rewards will be orgasmic, trust me! Now that you’ve established yourself as a known entity in the motorcycling world, it’s time to let your jizz contaminate the entire internet!

Join random groups and forums, comment indiscriminately on whatever you find, even if you don’t have the least fuck of an idea what is going on! Add about 100 kmph to your top speed and awkwardly post it everywhere! Fight with others over trivial things that you have no experience with! No matter what, NEVER concede defeat. Keep arguing until the other guy jumps in front of a train. Always remember, you know better!

7. Ride with giant groups

Okay, time to get out of your mom’s vagina and hit the road! But hold on, I don’t mean just riding out there alone, experiencing life and feeling emotions! What I’m talking about is destroying someone else’s day, blocking off an entire highway, and ostentatiously showing off your numbers in an attempt to hide how lonely you feel inside!

As luck would have it, it’s extremely easy to ride with 50-100 bikers these days. All you would have to do is handle the politics and bullshit that comes as a compromise! But no worries, with time you’ll ascend to become the biggest douchebag in that group, and thus be the creator of aforementioned politics and bullshit! Remember, real bikers never ride alone, that’s for people with lives and brains!

8. Burnouts burnouts burnouts

I can’t stress this enough, burnouts are the single most important thing that you’ll ever do in your motorcycling life. It is the perfect combination of fucktardery, loud noises, and putrid smoke! If you already haven’t done it, get the fuck out there and annihilate your rear tire and clutch plates!

But wait! If you do a burnout and no one sees it, that does count? Fuck no! Find the most congested corner of your city, then ride valiantly to the middle of the road and do a fucking donut! Burnouts are like circumcision, both achieve nothing of purpose, but scare a lot of people around you! And we all know, being a real biker is all about others.

9. Make your presence felt on the road

By following step 7 and 8, you’ll already look ultra cool on the road, but to push the heat even further, you gotta take care of some other items my friend! Make sure you have an illegal horn of some sort that makes weird noises at each press of that button! That’ll make sure all eyes will be on you wherever you go, which is kinda the aim of this entire fucking thing. Whenever you see a female on the road, no matter how old or ugly, forget all about the riding and focus your full attention on scanning her from top to bottom. This is a sacred tradition of all real bikers that you must follow to enter the covenant.

Never let anyone overtake you, no exceptions! If anyone crosses even 1 inches ahead of the line that marks your front wheel, feel free to go completely bat shit and leave no stone unturned to overtake them. To add an adorable twist here, as soon as you overtake them, slow the fuck down! This will make them totally worship you, I swear! There are a lot of other items you can do to become a total pro, which you can find in this article.

Remember, practice makes perfect you son of a bitch!

How to become a REAL biker if you are a chick

1. Touch any bike with any part of your body

That’s it! Just find ANY set of wheels with an engine in between them and then 3…. 2…. 1…. Voila! Welcome to the party.

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So here is my 9 step program for you to bring out that inner wolf of yours that will change you from that introverted gutless little chicken that no one ever noticed, to this slutty giant piece of ass that everyone will want to hit. I initially thought of starting a paid manhood course to propagate the ideas in this article, but then I felt it in my heart that such great knowledge should be shared like a bloody rusted needle. Do get back to me with your testimonials after following this advice!