5 reasons why you are NOT a Biker.

Everyone wants to be cool, everyone wants to be hot. Everyone knows that bikers are both, for reasons that I have discussed in this article. So just like everyone becomes a “nerd” nowadays, just by installing a shitty custom ROM on their shitty smartphone, everyone becomes a “biker” just by swinging a leg over anything with 2 wheels.

Folks, I’ve got some news for you. Being a biker isn’t about just riding a bike! Hard to believe, isn’t it? But it is true. So when you think you are an ultra-macho, Batman vs. Superman cool biker, revving hard on your Unicorn and urging anyone and everyone to race, you are really nothing but an attention whoring bitch. So hold on to your vajayjay as I give you 5 reasons why you are NOT a biker, at least not a real one.

1. You race people on public roads

Last Sunday I was on a 820 km journey from Kota to Mumbai. I had been riding for about 12 hours, under extreme heat and dusty conditions, and was just about to enter Thane. The 6 lane highway suddenly gave way to a 2 lane crowded city street, so I slowed down considerably. And then, voila! Our bitch-ass, “real” bikers entered the picture.

2 teenagers, on a Unicorn, overtook me from the left side, very close and at very high-speed. None of them were wearing any gear, not even a helmet. The pillion was urging the driver to race me, and the stupid guy with his hands on the handlebars was trying his best to. They would overtake me like 2 assholes on a bike, and then slow down, let me pass, only to overtake me again like 2 buttplugs on a bike.

At some points they just went bat shit insane, swinging from side to side, overtaking vehicles like morons. I really wanted to reach to their side, kick the driver in the nuts, slap the pillion on his stupid face, push a metal rod in the front tire and watch their faces grate on the asphalt. But luckily they went left on a side-road somewhere, and I continued on my way.

I bet you a 1000 bucks, these guys went to their friends and told huge tales of their bravery and valor. That how a guy on a weird orange bike and colorful clothes was beaten in a race by them. I have also seen such boy-racers come to a real race track and literally pee themselves scared. If you race people on public roads, you are a despicable burden on this planet and should be killed with a nail gun blast to your crotch.

2. You keep your helmet on the mirror, or your arm, or anywhere except your stupid little head

These guys are a special kind of stupid, aren’t they? They somehow find the time in their busy schedule of cock-sucking, and buy a shitty little 200 buck helmet. Oh but they are too busy to actually put it on when they are riding! So they leave it lying somewhere on the bike, only to put it on when they see a cop in the distance. Many a times even cops don’t wear helmets, and that is just shameful on so many levels.

These Einsteins mostly ride a bike only to show-off, and that purpose is entirely defeated if they are wearing a helmet, since girls can’t see their deformed faces and get multiple orgasms where they stand. To add more spice to the dish, they wear brightly colored headphones, talk while they ride and listen to Justin Beiber when not talking.

There’s a reason why wearing a helmet is mandated by law, and the reason is that no one would like little pieces of your brain to mess up their paint jobs. I personally don’t give 2 fucks about you not wearing a helmet, hitting a wall and splitting open down center. What I do give a fuck about is your blood stains on my bike, and your post-mortem paperwork that I will have to fill.

3. You use a mobile phone while riding

Oh my fucking god, why did you ever create these morons? If you ever thought using a phone while driving a car is dangerous, welcome to India! On so many different occasions, in so many different states, on so many different bikes I have seen these pathetic excuses for people, talking and even texting while on the move.

Whenever I see this travesty occurring, all I want to do is ride close to them, snatch their phone and smash it in their face, then push their head into the fuel tank and lock their front brake, sending them cartwheeling to death. Riding a bike is inherently dangerous, because Physics is a bitch. On top of that you decide to send a stupid joke to your two-timing girlfriend with one hand on the phone and one on the throttle.

Again, I don’t care if you drop your 500 buck phone and I run it over, I don’t care if you lose control, fall into a raging sewer river and die. What I do care about is you dangling side to side, not able to control the bike with one hand, while adjusting your phone with the other, and scratching my tank or tearing my jeans. So keep your phone in your pocket, your hands on the handlebar, and your blood inside your body.

4. You ride on the wrong side of the road

This traffic hazard becomes most apparent while riding through Rajasthan. You might be confused into thinking you have suddenly entered America, as hordes of bikers will be riding on the wrong side of the road, that too with such confidence and conviction that you can do nothing more than stop in your tracks and admire their balls.

But then you take a look at the other side, there are cows roaming around, dead dogs on the road, a general desi feeling and you realize you are still in India. What the fuck then? You keep your eyes open, try to see if there is some roadblock, some accident, some biblical catastrophe. None! Then why are these people breaking all rules of the road and common sense to do this stupidity?

Turns out the next U-turn spot on the road was about 50 meters away, and these dickless imbeciles can’t be bothered with such huge wastage of their precious time. So they flush all decency down the toilet and march on together on the wrong side. Things become even more insane when these people start following rules while breaking them! Let me explain.

There will be a guy on the wrong side of the road, but he will be on the right side in the wrong side of the road. This means that he will be directly in the path of the fastest lane, dragging his ass at 20 kmph, flashing his headlight and honking like a donkey in heat. I hope to god these buttfucking anal scumbags crash into the divider and a heavy-duty road-roller crushes them to pulp while they are still alive.

5. You honk incessantly, ride through crowded streets at high speeds, and have no value for others and their rights

This is a rather broad category that combines the hormone-fueled compulsions of these alpha-males, who are always in a hurry and give no value to anyone else. Ever been stuck in front of one of these asshats? They will burst open your ear with the constant honking of their pressure horns, will try to overtake you from left, right, up or down, and treat pedestrians like Nazis treated Jews.

The road doesn’t belong to your daddy, it is a public asset that you get to borrow for a certain time. While you are on this public asset, be as nice as possible, not as obnoxious as imaginable. This attitude is especially rampant in small towns, where guys with long hair and tight pants do gedis around the city, eve-teasing little girls and creating general sadness.

Another type here would be the guys who always ride with their high-beam on at night. I understand that it is a bit difficult for bikers to see after dark, given the propensity of other buttholes in trucks, cars and buses to light up the road crazy. Even then you should try your best to stay with low-beams, don’t go and join the merry gang, be the bigger guy.

Riding in India is NOT a good experience, mostly. This is because of the above mentioned 5 types of people, who really ought to be given rat-poison and buried in shallow mass graves. Bad roads are bad, but bad people are worst. So next time you proclaim yourself to be the king of bikers, look inside, look around, and remember – real bikers don’t care about being noticed, or applauded, or worshiped, they ride because they ride.